Hello blog. My last post was on Valentines Day, so those of you who are mathematically capable will be aware that a new blog is long overdue. So, let’s satisfy that with a highly opinionated rant about Things That Will Definitely Turn Me Off Your Site. Because I’m feeling strongly about this currently, and because there hasn’t been one of my classic rants on this site for a while. Now, before I launch into this, I need to leave you a little disclaimer-esque statement letting you know that no, my site is not perfect, and no, I am not qualified with anything more than having an opinion to be making these judgements. But I’m going to make them anyway. If you’ve got a problem with that, I have a comments section. But you were warned.

Firstly, unnecessary splash pages. In fact, I would argue that almost every splash page is unnecessary and cumbersome. However, the kind that most annoys me are the ones that contain nothing but a background that comes from another site (and still has the image credit on it, as well!) and a giant link to your content. This page does not give me information, nor does it allow me to navigate to different areas of your site. It’s basically a massive confirmation that I’m on my way to a certain site, and a big fat “Can you be arsed to continue?” Which, in the case of such a page, I’m tempted to answer “No!”.

The next thing that annoys me is bad design. And I’m aware that this is quite an ambiguous term, so I’ll narrow it down for you. I don’t mean layouts that I dislike. I don’t even mean plain, boring layouts that show no originality. I mean layouts that mismatch fonts hideously, use tackily photoshopped celebrity images, and try to make me take them seriously when their site only works in Internet Explorer, and even then, works is a very sketchy description of whatever’s going on. If your site is serenading me in Comic Sans, Curlz Mt, or, heaven forbid, Papyrus, that you can expect to be written about on someone else’s blog in a degrading fashion. And it’s more than likely that you’ll come across someone with less restraint than me, who will name your site and provide screencaps in order to ensure that you never live it down. Also in the list of things you absolutely should not do in design is use glaringly bright colours that do not match, such as neon pink and dark purple, with random green highlights. I saw this today, and it nearly burned my face off. Also, here’s a tip. Unless you’re a fansite for that specific celebrity, it’s generally advisible NOT to make a layout consisting of badly edited variations of their face. Apart from the obvious tacky, tweeny-bopper-esque look, you’re also probably breaching copyright.

My next peeve is when someone has what the girls in my grade at school call, with a derisive snicker, ‘selfies’, or bad, pouty self-photos taken in a mirror or from some ridiculous angle in their sidebar. I mean, by all means have a picture of yourself there if you so choose, but if you cannot possibly take a decent picture of yourself on your own, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO WIELD THE CAMERA. Furthermore, why am I coming across so many pictures of people taken sideways? I should not have to tilt my head at an absurd angle just to see what you look like, especially when the result is another awful, pouty self-portrait.

The majority of this post thus far has been based on one particularly atrocious site I visited earlier today. I just returned to that site and realized from one of the blogs that its owner is at college studying graphic design. I’ve officially lost all faith in graphic design courses.

Back on topic, let’s talk about blog posts that are titled with song lyrics that do not at all pertain to the content of the blog. When I read the title of a blog, I expect to have some of an idea of what you’re going to be talking about. At least make the song lyrics relevant, if you’re going to use them at all. Often in this case I’ll just not read the blog, and then you’ve lost a potential commenter.

Another thing that is an incredible turn-off is when people have a little ‘About Me’ box in their sidebar, and all they fill it with is a bunch of words that describe them, separated by periods. Okay, maybe it’s fine for a few. But when you’ve got about eighty words all occupying their own little sentence, it just looks like a dictionary spewed all over the box, and that you have no idea how to form sentences.

I’m going to finish off today’s incredibly long rant with a word about affiliate checks. It’s petty and pathetic. Firstly, decide if you’re affiliating for hits or purely because they are your friends, and name the section appropriately. I’ve seen lists of affiliates titled ‘Friends’, where the owner of the site then runs affiliate checks. Are you grading them on their friendship to you? You don’t think that might offend them if you fail them? If you’re going to remove someone from your affiliates, for crying out loud, do it subtly. Delete them from the list, and if you deem it necessary, drop them an email about why they were deleted. Don’t make a post that basically tells your audience how inactive or bad that person is. And besides, it just screams out that you can’t think of anything else to blog about.

I’ll wrap this up here for now, seeing as I’m about to hit 1000 words, but you can probably expect a part two at some point. Let me know what turns you off a site in the comments, and if it’s something on my site, let me know. I’m completely open to advice.

Also, I apologize if I’ve offended anyone in this post, which is quite likely given its agressive nature. I’m not targeting anyone I know personally – the majority of these issues were sourced from the sites of absolute strangers, who will remain anonymous to save them considerable embarassment.